I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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