You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize