my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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