either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
