allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
