why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
