you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
