You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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