I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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