My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Life is so much better after having sex.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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