bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
