Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
