Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
