you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
