I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
