He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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