i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
