she smelled like a LAN party
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
