Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
