you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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