I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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