no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
