if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
