Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
