I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bring money and cleavage
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize