just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Couch. On fire.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
