Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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