so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
