Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize