Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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