saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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