I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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