Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
