he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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