she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
