my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
