her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
