I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize