If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
