Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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