You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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