she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
