i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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