so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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