I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize