Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
