Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
