it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
