you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
