I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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