Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How drunk are you?
Completed.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
