Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize