the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
