Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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