Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
