Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
