That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
