Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
