Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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