Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
