dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
