Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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