no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
