Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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